1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He
emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but
you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if
it contains Echinacea.
7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her
a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.
10. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the
bottom of the screen.
11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now
sells for half the price you paid.
12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to
make a purchase is foreign to you.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out
of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do
not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just
pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on
your way back to bed.
23.You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
24. You're reading this.
25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.
From: 101FunJokes.com
Monday, November 17, 2008
Things to do in the bathroom stall...
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."
From: 101FunJokes.com
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."
From: 101FunJokes.com
100 ways to order a pizza the fun way...
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition, ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT SYSTEM.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If asked "Would you like drinks with that?", panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OWWW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
From: 101FunJokes.com
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition, ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT SYSTEM.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If asked "Would you like drinks with that?", panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OWWW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
From: 101FunJokes.com
How to Please Your I.T. Department
01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
From: 101FunJokes.com
02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
From: 101FunJokes.com
Computer Jokes
A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.
The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.
______________________________________________________________________________________
Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues.
If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
Then go : illogical statement with your whole family.
Because the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues.
On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues!
______________________________________________________________________________________
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."
______________________________________________________________________________________
Daddy, how was I born ? Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story.
From: 101FunJokes.com
The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.
______________________________________________________________________________________
Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues.
If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
Then go : illogical statement with your whole family.
Because the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues.
On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues!
______________________________________________________________________________________
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."
______________________________________________________________________________________
Daddy, how was I born ? Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story.
From: 101FunJokes.com
Friday, October 31, 2008
The Notebook
Duke (in voice-over narration): "I am no one special, just a common man with common thoughts. I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me, and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect, I've succeeded as gloriously as anyone who ever lived. I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and for me, that has always been enough."
Duke (reading): "Southern summers are indifferent to the trials of young love. Armed with warnings and doubts, Noah and Allie gave a remarkably convincing portrayal of a boy and a girl traveling down a very long road with no regard for the consequences."
Noah's father (to Allie): "Come on up here, darlin'. We could use a little sump'm around here besides the smell of lumber."
Duke (reading): "It was an improbable romance. He was a country boy. She was from the city. She had the world at her feet, while he didn't have two dimes to rub together."
Noah (to Allie): "If you're a bird, I'm a bird."
Allie's father (delivering the punch line to a joke): "Well, in theory, we're both millionaires, but in reality, we live with a bunch of whores." [laughter]
Allie (to Noah, as they prepare to make love for the first time): "You're gonna have to talk me through this."
Allie's father (to Allie, about Noah): "He's not suitable for you, baby."
Duke (reading): "Summer romances end for all kinds of reasons. But when all is said and done, they have one thing in common: They are shooting stars-a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, a fleeting glimpse of eternity. And in a flash, they're gone."
Duke (reading): "Allie was surprised how quickly she fell in love with Lon Hammond. He was handsome, smart, funny, sophisticated, and charming. He also came from old Southern money and was fabulously wealthy."
Duke (reading, about Noah): "He got the notion into his head that if he restored the old house where they had come that night, Allie would find a way to come back to him. Some called it a labor of love. Others called it something else. But in fact, Noah had gone a little mad."
Allie's mother (about Allie's upcoming wedding): "This is gonna be a celebration the likes of which this town's never seen!"
Headline in Charleston newspaper: "OLD SEABROOK HOME FULLY RESTORED"
Allie's fiancé (to Allie): "Should I be worried?"
Dr. Barnwell (to Duke): "Senile dementia is irreversible. It's degenerative. After a certain point, its victims don't come back."
Duke (reading, about Noah): "She had come back into his life like a sudden flame, blazing and streaming into his heart. Noah stayed up all night contemplating the certain agony he knew would be his if he were to lose her twice."
Duke (to his adult children): "Look, guys. That's my sweetheart in there. I'm not leaving her. This is my home now. Your mother is my home."
Allie (happily, after making love with Noah following a seven-year separation): "You gotta be kiddin' me. All this time, that's what I been missin'?"
Allie's mother (about her sweetheart of 25 years ago, now a laborer shoveling gravel): "Sometimes when I'm in the area, I just stop here and I watch him, trying to picture how different my life might have been." [she cries]
Noah (to Allie): "I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day."
Excerpt from a letter from Noah to Allie: "The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me. That's what I'd hoped to give you forever."
Allie's fiancé (to Allie, about Noah): "The way I see it, I got three choices. One, I can shoot him. Two, I can kick the crap out of him. Or three, I leave you. Well, all that's no good. You see, 'cause none of those options get me you."
Duke (to older Allie): "I think our love can do anything we want it to."
[His last letter to Allie] My Dearest Allie. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter any more, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Noah.
Noah : "So, it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? Thirty years from now, forty years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him- go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again, if I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out"
Noah : "Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants?! Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do you want? What do you want?"
Duke (reading): "Southern summers are indifferent to the trials of young love. Armed with warnings and doubts, Noah and Allie gave a remarkably convincing portrayal of a boy and a girl traveling down a very long road with no regard for the consequences."
Noah's father (to Allie): "Come on up here, darlin'. We could use a little sump'm around here besides the smell of lumber."
Duke (reading): "It was an improbable romance. He was a country boy. She was from the city. She had the world at her feet, while he didn't have two dimes to rub together."
Noah (to Allie): "If you're a bird, I'm a bird."
Allie's father (delivering the punch line to a joke): "Well, in theory, we're both millionaires, but in reality, we live with a bunch of whores." [laughter]
Allie (to Noah, as they prepare to make love for the first time): "You're gonna have to talk me through this."
Allie's father (to Allie, about Noah): "He's not suitable for you, baby."
Duke (reading): "Summer romances end for all kinds of reasons. But when all is said and done, they have one thing in common: They are shooting stars-a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, a fleeting glimpse of eternity. And in a flash, they're gone."
Duke (reading): "Allie was surprised how quickly she fell in love with Lon Hammond. He was handsome, smart, funny, sophisticated, and charming. He also came from old Southern money and was fabulously wealthy."
Duke (reading, about Noah): "He got the notion into his head that if he restored the old house where they had come that night, Allie would find a way to come back to him. Some called it a labor of love. Others called it something else. But in fact, Noah had gone a little mad."
Allie's mother (about Allie's upcoming wedding): "This is gonna be a celebration the likes of which this town's never seen!"
Headline in Charleston newspaper: "OLD SEABROOK HOME FULLY RESTORED"
Allie's fiancé (to Allie): "Should I be worried?"
Dr. Barnwell (to Duke): "Senile dementia is irreversible. It's degenerative. After a certain point, its victims don't come back."
Duke (reading, about Noah): "She had come back into his life like a sudden flame, blazing and streaming into his heart. Noah stayed up all night contemplating the certain agony he knew would be his if he were to lose her twice."
Duke (to his adult children): "Look, guys. That's my sweetheart in there. I'm not leaving her. This is my home now. Your mother is my home."
Allie (happily, after making love with Noah following a seven-year separation): "You gotta be kiddin' me. All this time, that's what I been missin'?"
Allie's mother (about her sweetheart of 25 years ago, now a laborer shoveling gravel): "Sometimes when I'm in the area, I just stop here and I watch him, trying to picture how different my life might have been." [she cries]
Noah (to Allie): "I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day."
Excerpt from a letter from Noah to Allie: "The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me. That's what I'd hoped to give you forever."
Allie's fiancé (to Allie, about Noah): "The way I see it, I got three choices. One, I can shoot him. Two, I can kick the crap out of him. Or three, I leave you. Well, all that's no good. You see, 'cause none of those options get me you."
Duke (to older Allie): "I think our love can do anything we want it to."
[His last letter to Allie] My Dearest Allie. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter any more, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Noah.
Noah : "So, it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? Thirty years from now, forty years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him- go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again, if I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out"
Noah : "Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants?! Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do you want? What do you want?"
100 BEST DUMPING LINES
1. I need more time and more space. That's why I'm moving 12 hours and 7 states away. Yeah sure I'll call you ...the minute I get there.
-Later4U -
2. Break up? (get out magic 8 ball) All signs point to YES.
-Jimmy Corrona -
3. Answering machine: "Hi, I'm not home right now, If you're Jerry, hang up, if you are any other available male, press two now."
-C.J. -
4. Dear Baby: Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU
-Homer Simpson -
5. All my friends at the gay bar said I should go through with the sex change, what do you think?
-Johnny B. Bad -
6. The mothership has returned and I must leave. Pay no attention to my android double when you see it.
-De Ole Sarge-
7. You've become so incredibly unattractive during these last few minutes, that I don't want to invest any more time trying to have sex with you.
-cmdolando -
8. Sorry, but my leprosy is acting up again. Are you going to eat those fries?
-simian-
9. Do you think the ceiling needs painting? (Timing is everything with this one.)
-De Ole Sarge-
10. Oh, hi Julie...erm...Amanda? Judy? Oh, I remember now, its Cindy, right? Tanya? Does it start with a 'T'?
-Disco -
11. You remind me of my dead ex-husband... Let's get married.
-Black Widow -
12. I'm awfully sorry, but I have asexual tendencies...
-If I told you, I'd have to kill you -
13. Would you like to meet my last girlfriend? Really, its no problem, she's still chained up in my basement.
-Hey you -
14. "I'm dying...and I can't ask you to watch me slowly fade away....Please, go now and remember me as I am"
-Pegasus -
15. (Note: this one comes to you courtesy of Homer Simpson.) Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.
-Melkor -
16. No, seriously, I thought you were a man the whole time we were dating.
-Mad Anthony Wayne -
17. I got us tickets to Yanni!
-Delilah Smud Puddle -
18. "If I have to sell my body to get the money to divorce you, I will!"
-always the EX never the wife -
19. Piss off wanker.
(NOTE: We here at Ow! were not really sure if this was a submission for the 100 dumping lines or if was actually directed at us)
-seewhy -
20. Remember when I asked you out?? Well.... I was talking to the guy behind you!
-Nicole -
21. I was only hanging around with you because I wanted to get in your mom's pants
-SLY -
22. Don't you just love when leeches get into your pants?
-Mac Aronie -
23. "I break with thee... I break with thee.. I break with thee.. and then throw dog-poop on her/his shoes" (Steve Martin)
-anonymous-
24. It's me not you.
-Na' Chew-
25. It's you, not me...I mean it's me, not you.
-anonymous-
26. It's not you...it's me...well ok..it is you.
-Aurora-
27. I'm sorry I never told you but I'm gay. I've been fighting it, and if anyone could have converted me it would have been you. However, I succumb. Ciao!
-Dick Wicks -
28. I can forgive everything else about you, even the fact that you are 9 years older than me, have a 10 year old daughter, are getting a divorce, can't have any more kids, don't have a job, or a car, and the fact that you don't have a high school diploma. All that is fine. (then just stop calling)
-i knew he was a loser -
29. You know, if God actually stopped and thought about it, I'm pretty sure he could think of something better to do with skin rather than hold your sorry ass together.
-Hearth Cat -
30. Send them your obituary.
-Anna -
31. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, sob, sob, I know what you did you bastard!!!! WAAAAAAAAAH! I hate you! Then you run away, but it works best if he didn't do anything.
-GeniusGirl -
32. You're a really great guy..You don't know how much I love you..You mean everything to me... NOW LEAVE!!! AND NEVER COME BACK!!!
-MADLaLa -
33. I really like you. . . So does my wife.
-Jason -
34. I want a baby.
-De Ole Sarge-
35. Know what? You smell funny. Bill's cuter too...
-Klumsy Kelly-
36. Let's just be friends. (scary isn't it?)
-Bird of Prey-
37. Good-bye, and NO, we cannot still be friends!
-Stephen Britton -
38. Just 'cause I am the President of the United States doesn't mean we still can't be friends.
-REDDWARF-
39. I'd like to meet your ex.
-De Ole Sarge-
40. None, just spell out "you're dumped" on their car with dead hamsters soaked in gasoline and set alight whilst buggering a duck in front of them....
-celestial-
41. I have to break it off. I've been seeing someone else and they told me I had to choose. Besides, your mother doesn't snore as loud.
-Jason -
42. My ex had a much bigger.. (this is where you get smacked)
-WhiteFireDragon -
43. Buh-bye. What part don't you understand -- the "buh" or the "bye"? Buh-bye.
-Da RanMan -
44. "Help, I'm an idiot. I can't see you anymore!!!" (And run away)
-Dennis the RPG master-
45. Don't say anything to her. Call 911.
-Hoff -
46. The rabbit died and he was not yours.
-Sapphire -
47. Look at my horoscope! "...a new love in your life..." Well, gotta follow my guiding star...
-Kogito -
48. Bob, I'd like you to meet Roy.... he's your new replacement.
-Wicked Wench of the West -
49. I find that if you tell 'em straight-up to go away, they just want you more (Go figure?). Perhaps moaning someone else's name right before....ya' know....might do it.
-dome -
50. We've been going out for a while, and I think we're ready to go to the next level... have you heard the good news about Amway?
-First M. Last -
51. Sing "Kyle's Mom is a Sutpid Bitch in D Minor", but substitute their name for Kyle's mom.
-just some guy -
52. Forget bothering with actually dumping him/her, just sign up to the witness protection program and never speak to them again.
-RAVEN-
53. Well, whatever you do, don't propose a "menage a twoi" like Seinfeld did.
-Suomynona-
54. The judge changed my kid's visitation schedule.
-De Ole Sarge-
55. I can't meet your needs for the foreseeable future because I find working on my site and hanging out with my net pals far more absorbing than conversing with you or even looking at your face, actually.
-Damn, I've been looking for an excuse this good for years! Thank God for the Cold War!!-
56. Hi, I am Elvis Shortliver!
-Elvis Shortliver-
57. You look too much like my sister/brother, I can't see you anymore.
-Keggers-
58. I don't want you as a boyfriend, no we can't still be friends..and, oh, by the way you're ugly too.
-Mako-
59. Sorry, you don't make the flag on my mailbox go up anymore. (for females)
-Suzie Q -
60. I'm considering suicide because after being with you, hell should be a breeze.
-Jason -
61. Goodbye. I don't want to see you again. Goodbye, I don't even wanna be your friend. So get out now before I call security.
-Thw Wonderful Tatum-
62. For women: I've been thinking about us getting married. For men: Does your friend like three-somes?
-Captain Pyro -
63. Mom says I'm too good for you.
-Unanimous Visitor -
64. You looked better when I was drinking.
-anonymous -
65. Your mom told me you were gay.
-Freddy-
66. I'd like to help you out. Now which way did you come in?
-Some one like Meg -
67. I can't figure out what sex you are, even after having sex with you.
-Jimmy Rae -
68. I have finished my unfinished business with you.
-anonymous -
69. I love you so much! Let's get married! I want to have lots of children and get a big house and a mortgage and a minivan and....
-Charlene -
70. How about "You're an immature, selfish jerk who couldn't do a goddamn thing for me even if you cared, which you obviously don't, so stop bugging me with your stupid so-called problems and leave me the fCENSOREDk alone." That usually works for me.
-Lee Ving-
71. Here's the phone number of my doctor, I think you and he should talk....
-<>-
72. You smell funny and no, I don't like the way you kiss, I do think it's weird that you like to sing showtunes while having sex... oh wait, that was Mark, wasn't it?
-anonymous -
73. Send a dozen dead roses with a note: "Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!"
-Beelzabub -
74. F*uck off, asshole (assholette?) I find direct honesty is always the best policy.
-Like I'd say! -
75. GADZOOKS! You're just not as NEARLY as attractive as you are after 10 beers, two shots of vodka, half a bottle of wine, and a Captain Morgan and Coke with a twist of lime!
-Alkyholic -
76. "Well, um..."(utilizing big googly eyes of course)" ...my individual mind patterns are breaking down from the appearance of you ... meep..." at this critical point, scream, "Your fault, your fault" until you finally drive them away at a sprint.
-tripped over my tongue LMac -
77. Now that I'm sober...I remembered...I'm married and have a kid and live in Nebraska. I don't know why I am in St.Louis, and can I have the key to these handcuffs? Please, I need to go home.
-Jason"The answer guy" H-
78. THE DOCTOR SAYS I'M DYING OF CANCER SO I THINK YOU BETTER FIND SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE I'M ONLY EXPECTED TO LIVE FOR 6 MONTHS.
-KELLY -
79. Two simple words. "I am gay"
-Petrie Hosermouth -
80. Drop them off at the grocery store and never go pick 'em up.
-S'mores -
81. Hey, did you know that you could leave any time now?? Yeah, I think I made it clear when I started making out with someone else over there!
-I.M. Retard -
82. Hum, sing, whistle 50 ways to lose your lover constantly.
-Priscilla -
83. "I'm sleeping with my brother."
-Jim Bob Bill -
84. Thank you for taking the time to participate in this survey.
-Riffraff -
85. Excuse me, but I'm moving to Antarctica tomorrow to start work on important governmental research. See ya!
-Chinchilla -
86. Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you.
-Malissa -
87. Can I borrow that cute little blue teddy and heels?
-some guy -
88. I'm no longer worthy of you (Keep repeating until s/he agrees with you)
-De Ole Sarge-
89. I used to think size didn't matter, but in your case I have made an exception... so I'm leaving you for bigger and better things. My ex-boyfriend Bruno just came back into town. He finished serving his sentence and is dying to meet you.
-URHistory -
90. Could we reschedule our date for later? I have to go down to the tar pits to worship my dark lord Friday at Midnight.
-Spoogy-
91. Get the hell away from me!! I'm so fricken sick of you!!
-Ashley-
92. I want you to meet my family. My mom is an OBGYN specializing in fertility treatments, and my dad does microsurgical vasectomy reversals. They are so excited that I'm dating someone nice!
-jabernet-
93. Are you into horses and stuff? I know I am... I also like sheep. They give you that warm feeling. Hello? Are you still there?
-MadSector -
94. Yell "FIRE!!!!!!!" and run, never stopping or looking back.
- Jason"The answer guy" H-
95. There's been a death in the family. My hamster. Sorry.
-AcidAngel-
96. If you don't leave me alone now, I'll blow your frickin head off with my Glock 9mm, Bitch!
-Bonko the Homicidal Krazy Clown from HELL! -
97. How do you feel about (sex) relations with Irish Setters?
-Ian Rotten of the Ian Rotten Band -
98. Sorry, I just never realized how ugly you are.
-Mad Anthony Wayne -
99. Time for you to go - I gotta reduce the number of dependents that I claim on my W2.
-Cig&Brew -
100. "Don't forgive, dump me!"
-Nicki Squires -
-Later4U -
2. Break up? (get out magic 8 ball) All signs point to YES.
-Jimmy Corrona -
3. Answering machine: "Hi, I'm not home right now, If you're Jerry, hang up, if you are any other available male, press two now."
-C.J. -
4. Dear Baby: Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU
-Homer Simpson -
5. All my friends at the gay bar said I should go through with the sex change, what do you think?
-Johnny B. Bad -
6. The mothership has returned and I must leave. Pay no attention to my android double when you see it.
-De Ole Sarge-
7. You've become so incredibly unattractive during these last few minutes, that I don't want to invest any more time trying to have sex with you.
-cmdolando -
8. Sorry, but my leprosy is acting up again. Are you going to eat those fries?
-simian-
9. Do you think the ceiling needs painting? (Timing is everything with this one.)
-De Ole Sarge-
10. Oh, hi Julie...erm...Amanda? Judy? Oh, I remember now, its Cindy, right? Tanya? Does it start with a 'T'?
-Disco -
11. You remind me of my dead ex-husband... Let's get married.
-Black Widow -
12. I'm awfully sorry, but I have asexual tendencies...
-If I told you, I'd have to kill you -
13. Would you like to meet my last girlfriend? Really, its no problem, she's still chained up in my basement.
-Hey you -
14. "I'm dying...and I can't ask you to watch me slowly fade away....Please, go now and remember me as I am"
-Pegasus -
15. (Note: this one comes to you courtesy of Homer Simpson.) Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.
-Melkor -
16. No, seriously, I thought you were a man the whole time we were dating.
-Mad Anthony Wayne -
17. I got us tickets to Yanni!
-Delilah Smud Puddle -
18. "If I have to sell my body to get the money to divorce you, I will!"
-always the EX never the wife -
19. Piss off wanker.
(NOTE: We here at Ow! were not really sure if this was a submission for the 100 dumping lines or if was actually directed at us)
-seewhy -
20. Remember when I asked you out?? Well.... I was talking to the guy behind you!
-Nicole -
21. I was only hanging around with you because I wanted to get in your mom's pants
-SLY -
22. Don't you just love when leeches get into your pants?
-Mac Aronie -
23. "I break with thee... I break with thee.. I break with thee.. and then throw dog-poop on her/his shoes" (Steve Martin)
-anonymous-
24. It's me not you.
-Na' Chew-
25. It's you, not me...I mean it's me, not you.
-anonymous-
26. It's not you...it's me...well ok..it is you.
-Aurora-
27. I'm sorry I never told you but I'm gay. I've been fighting it, and if anyone could have converted me it would have been you. However, I succumb. Ciao!
-Dick Wicks -
28. I can forgive everything else about you, even the fact that you are 9 years older than me, have a 10 year old daughter, are getting a divorce, can't have any more kids, don't have a job, or a car, and the fact that you don't have a high school diploma. All that is fine. (then just stop calling)
-i knew he was a loser -
29. You know, if God actually stopped and thought about it, I'm pretty sure he could think of something better to do with skin rather than hold your sorry ass together.
-Hearth Cat -
30. Send them your obituary.
-Anna -
31. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, sob, sob, I know what you did you bastard!!!! WAAAAAAAAAH! I hate you! Then you run away, but it works best if he didn't do anything.
-GeniusGirl -
32. You're a really great guy..You don't know how much I love you..You mean everything to me... NOW LEAVE!!! AND NEVER COME BACK!!!
-MADLaLa -
33. I really like you. . . So does my wife.
-Jason -
34. I want a baby.
-De Ole Sarge-
35. Know what? You smell funny. Bill's cuter too...
-Klumsy Kelly-
36. Let's just be friends. (scary isn't it?)
-Bird of Prey-
37. Good-bye, and NO, we cannot still be friends!
-Stephen Britton -
38. Just 'cause I am the President of the United States doesn't mean we still can't be friends.
-REDDWARF-
39. I'd like to meet your ex.
-De Ole Sarge-
40. None, just spell out "you're dumped" on their car with dead hamsters soaked in gasoline and set alight whilst buggering a duck in front of them....
-celestial-
41. I have to break it off. I've been seeing someone else and they told me I had to choose. Besides, your mother doesn't snore as loud.
-Jason -
42. My ex had a much bigger.. (this is where you get smacked)
-WhiteFireDragon -
43. Buh-bye. What part don't you understand -- the "buh" or the "bye"? Buh-bye.
-Da RanMan -
44. "Help, I'm an idiot. I can't see you anymore!!!" (And run away)
-Dennis the RPG master-
45. Don't say anything to her. Call 911.
-Hoff -
46. The rabbit died and he was not yours.
-Sapphire -
47. Look at my horoscope! "...a new love in your life..." Well, gotta follow my guiding star...
-Kogito -
48. Bob, I'd like you to meet Roy.... he's your new replacement.
-Wicked Wench of the West -
49. I find that if you tell 'em straight-up to go away, they just want you more (Go figure?). Perhaps moaning someone else's name right before....ya' know....might do it.
-dome -
50. We've been going out for a while, and I think we're ready to go to the next level... have you heard the good news about Amway?
-First M. Last -
51. Sing "Kyle's Mom is a Sutpid Bitch in D Minor", but substitute their name for Kyle's mom.
-just some guy -
52. Forget bothering with actually dumping him/her, just sign up to the witness protection program and never speak to them again.
-RAVEN-
53. Well, whatever you do, don't propose a "menage a twoi" like Seinfeld did.
-Suomynona-
54. The judge changed my kid's visitation schedule.
-De Ole Sarge-
55. I can't meet your needs for the foreseeable future because I find working on my site and hanging out with my net pals far more absorbing than conversing with you or even looking at your face, actually.
-Damn, I've been looking for an excuse this good for years! Thank God for the Cold War!!-
56. Hi, I am Elvis Shortliver!
-Elvis Shortliver-
57. You look too much like my sister/brother, I can't see you anymore.
-Keggers-
58. I don't want you as a boyfriend, no we can't still be friends..and, oh, by the way you're ugly too.
-Mako-
59. Sorry, you don't make the flag on my mailbox go up anymore. (for females)
-Suzie Q -
60. I'm considering suicide because after being with you, hell should be a breeze.
-Jason -
61. Goodbye. I don't want to see you again. Goodbye, I don't even wanna be your friend. So get out now before I call security.
-Thw Wonderful Tatum-
62. For women: I've been thinking about us getting married. For men: Does your friend like three-somes?
-Captain Pyro -
63. Mom says I'm too good for you.
-Unanimous Visitor -
64. You looked better when I was drinking.
-anonymous -
65. Your mom told me you were gay.
-Freddy-
66. I'd like to help you out. Now which way did you come in?
-Some one like Meg -
67. I can't figure out what sex you are, even after having sex with you.
-Jimmy Rae -
68. I have finished my unfinished business with you.
-anonymous -
69. I love you so much! Let's get married! I want to have lots of children and get a big house and a mortgage and a minivan and....
-Charlene -
70. How about "You're an immature, selfish jerk who couldn't do a goddamn thing for me even if you cared, which you obviously don't, so stop bugging me with your stupid so-called problems and leave me the fCENSOREDk alone." That usually works for me.
-Lee Ving-
71. Here's the phone number of my doctor, I think you and he should talk....
-<
72. You smell funny and no, I don't like the way you kiss, I do think it's weird that you like to sing showtunes while having sex... oh wait, that was Mark, wasn't it?
-anonymous -
73. Send a dozen dead roses with a note: "Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!"
-Beelzabub -
74. F*uck off, asshole (assholette?) I find direct honesty is always the best policy.
-Like I'd say! -
75. GADZOOKS! You're just not as NEARLY as attractive as you are after 10 beers, two shots of vodka, half a bottle of wine, and a Captain Morgan and Coke with a twist of lime!
-Alkyholic -
76. "Well, um..."(utilizing big googly eyes of course)" ...my individual mind patterns are breaking down from the appearance of you ... meep..." at this critical point, scream, "Your fault, your fault" until you finally drive them away at a sprint.
-tripped over my tongue LMac -
77. Now that I'm sober...I remembered...I'm married and have a kid and live in Nebraska. I don't know why I am in St.Louis, and can I have the key to these handcuffs? Please, I need to go home.
-Jason"The answer guy" H-
78. THE DOCTOR SAYS I'M DYING OF CANCER SO I THINK YOU BETTER FIND SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE I'M ONLY EXPECTED TO LIVE FOR 6 MONTHS.
-KELLY -
79. Two simple words. "I am gay"
-Petrie Hosermouth -
80. Drop them off at the grocery store and never go pick 'em up.
-S'mores -
81. Hey, did you know that you could leave any time now?? Yeah, I think I made it clear when I started making out with someone else over there!
-I.M. Retard -
82. Hum, sing, whistle 50 ways to lose your lover constantly.
-Priscilla -
83. "I'm sleeping with my brother."
-Jim Bob Bill -
84. Thank you for taking the time to participate in this survey.
-Riffraff -
85. Excuse me, but I'm moving to Antarctica tomorrow to start work on important governmental research. See ya!
-Chinchilla -
86. Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you.
-Malissa -
87. Can I borrow that cute little blue teddy and heels?
-some guy -
88. I'm no longer worthy of you (Keep repeating until s/he agrees with you)
-De Ole Sarge-
89. I used to think size didn't matter, but in your case I have made an exception... so I'm leaving you for bigger and better things. My ex-boyfriend Bruno just came back into town. He finished serving his sentence and is dying to meet you.
-URHistory -
90. Could we reschedule our date for later? I have to go down to the tar pits to worship my dark lord Friday at Midnight.
-Spoogy-
91. Get the hell away from me!! I'm so fricken sick of you!!
-Ashley-
92. I want you to meet my family. My mom is an OBGYN specializing in fertility treatments, and my dad does microsurgical vasectomy reversals. They are so excited that I'm dating someone nice!
-jabernet-
93. Are you into horses and stuff? I know I am... I also like sheep. They give you that warm feeling. Hello? Are you still there?
-MadSector -
94. Yell "FIRE!!!!!!!" and run, never stopping or looking back.
- Jason"The answer guy" H-
95. There's been a death in the family. My hamster. Sorry.
-AcidAngel-
96. If you don't leave me alone now, I'll blow your frickin head off with my Glock 9mm, Bitch!
-Bonko the Homicidal Krazy Clown from HELL! -
97. How do you feel about (sex) relations with Irish Setters?
-Ian Rotten of the Ian Rotten Band -
98. Sorry, I just never realized how ugly you are.
-Mad Anthony Wayne -
99. Time for you to go - I gotta reduce the number of dependents that I claim on my W2.
-Cig&Brew -
100. "Don't forgive, dump me!"
-Nicki Squires -
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